Synchronicity

Perhaps it would help to first understand something about me: I’m satisfied to contemplate the existence of some higher or greater being or beings as a possible hypothesis until such time science is able to confirm or deny any such thing. Otherwise, I’m agnostic.

Since Toby died, I’ve observed many unexplainable things. I’ve come to learn that grieving parents often refer to such events as synchronicities, mostly in the context of evidence of higher spiritual events taking place. I’m aware that the things I’ve observed can simply be the result of my traumatized mind trying to make sense of a tragic thing that has occurred. That may be so.

Or maybe, in trying to make sense of things, I’m observing things I wouldn’t have otherwise. Things I would normally have taken for granted.

It’s taken me nearly 2 years to build enough strength to share this particular synchronicity. It left me with questions that I’ll never know the answer to.

Around November 17, 2020, Toby shared a bad dream that he had with me. He described having to take off a medical mask because it was drenched in tears from him feeling so sad. This was around the time that he was just starting his Cancer treatment.

Within a few weeks of Toby’s dream, at an appointment for Toby at Sick Kids, we learned that Toby’s treatment was not working, and he did not have any viable treatment options for his cancer.

After receiving that news at the hospital, while heading downstairs to get a coffee, I suddenly had a panic attack. I had to pull down my mask to cry as I was hyperventilating and it was soaked with tears.

Just like in Toby’s dream.

I can’t help but wonder if Toby experienced synchronicities in dreams.

In July 2021 (hence the awesome COVID haircut), as we were cleaning out Toby’s room, I was reminded of that moment in Sick Kids. I decided to take these photos. I’m not sure why. I guess I felt that it was my way of contemplating this question without an answer. A way to remember Toby, his impact on my life, and how his bad dream became my very real nightmare.


It’s Still In You To Give

After a 2-year hiatus, I returned to my local Canadian Blood Services clinic to donate blood.

At one point, I donated regularly. However, in 2019 I developed a chronic cough/throat clearing sensation. I’m still working with doctors to figure out the cause, or what works to reduce symptoms. In 2020, before a COVID-19 vaccine became available, this cough was problematic in convincing nursing staff that this was not “new or worsening”, and so my donation was refused. I decided to hold off until a vaccine was available, or the situation was otherwise more amenable for me to donate again.

Then, My son Toby died of Cancer in 2021.

That shook me to my core, and I’m still building up the fortitude to go outside and be in public again — never mind the pandemic. I wasn’t sure whether they would accept my donation. My cough hasn’t improved (or gotten particularly worse). But I am fully vaxxed + boosted, I haven’t left the country recently or otherwise done anything that puts me at high risk.

They did take my donation. That was really important to me, and was emotional if I’m totally honest.

By the time we learned that Toby had liver cancer, his liver had already failed. During his assessment, we discovered that cancer had already spread to his lymph nodes, which meant that he didn’t qualify for a liver transplant. It had infiltrated too much of his liver for a resection. Normally, aggressive chemotherapy would have been recommended, but as his liver had already failed, he wouldn’t have survived it.

We had no options. There was nothing we could do to help him. To save or extend his life.

Totally. Fucking. Helpless.

Had chemotherapy been an option, he would have needed blood platelets. Platelets that nearly anyone can donate. How fucked up is it that by the time I was able to donate again, it’s too late to save my son?

But, it’s not too late to extend or save another child’s life. Children that are going through chemotherapy right now. Children with parents that I hope never ever ever have to experience what I have.

You can help these children too. And everyone else that’s going through chemotherapy or experiencing any other number of situations that require platelets, or a blood transfusion.

Please consider donating.


Great Cycle Challenge Canada, 2022

In October 2020, my 12-year-old son Toby was diagnosed with Fibrolamellar Hepticelular Carcinoma, a rare form of cancer that affects the liver. Unlike most cancers of the liver, it occurs with greater frequency in adolescents and young adults who are otherwise healthy. He died three months later on January 2, 2021. I would do anything to change that outcome, but I can’t. What I can do is try to help ensure that nobody else has to experience that kind of loss and pain.

I learned last year that Sick Kids has its own ride to raise money to fight kids’ cancer. This is the ride I’ll be participating in this year.

Last year, your kindness in support of Princess Margaret Hospital overwhelmed me. I thought I would be lucky to meet my conservative goal of $500. Instead, I was overwhelmed when people generously blew that goal by over 10 times, donating more than $5,200.

This year, I thought I would be a little more ambitious in seeking to raise $1,000 for the Sick Kids Foundation’s Great Cycle Challenge in August to allow them to continue their work in developing treatments and finding a cure for childhood cancer. This amount was met in less than 12 hours upon creating my Great Cycle Challenge profile!

Again, I’m floored. I’m so thankful to know such amazing people.

If you wish to make a contribution to this cause, please visit my profile page.